Tag Archives: lying

“Yeah, I’m actually doing quite well. I just received my acceptance letter to…

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… the NASA astronaut training program in Cape Canaveral. I’m psyched!!! They only accept .001% of the applicants. What have you been up to? I heard you married Tammy, had a baby, and now have a mortgage.”

The holiday season is here, and I’m excited!!! Over the course of the next week, many of us will be flying or driving (or hopefully NOT walking up the basement stairs) to spend time with family, loved ones, and yes, good old hometown friends that we haven’t seen in a long time. You’ll eat some tasty grub with the family, try to ignore the fact that your mother is totally out of touch with reality, and then you’ll head out to the local bar to regain your sanity. Still with me?

As Maverick said in Top Gun (<—Great Movie) “This is a target rich environment.” You got that right Mav. Instead of boning the physicist who later turns out to be your boss, you become the physicist. You become the professional poker player rounding it out in Reno. You become the top lawn mower salesman in Nebraska. You become whoever the fuck you want. I just got goosebumps. The point is… it’s time to bust out the hobby lie that you’ve been working on all year long. If you get busted, shake it off. Do you really care what these people think of you or if you see them again? No. This is a hobby liar’s paradise, NOTHING TO LOSE AND EVERYTHING TO GAIN.

Instead of watching “A Christmas Story” for the upteenth time this year, I want you to get off your butt, get out the door, and lie your ass off to every vaguely familiar face that you come across. Tip: If your looking for a lie to spread like wildfire, tell it to an old high school teacher. Also, don’t forget that a well placed hobby lie will put that smug fuck who’s actually doing what he wants for a living back in his place.

To make this blog slightly more interactive, I’d like everyone who reads this blog to report back after the holidays about the hobby lie that they told and how it went. Keep in mind, you can lie about hobby lying over the break. Just make it interesting. The best hobby lie (my choice) will receive an award.

Happy Hobby Lying!!!

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Lying 101 – Hobby Lying

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The following is a rudimentary internet course in lying called Hobby Lying. Don’t worry, the credits obtained from this course will indeed transfer to anything you’ve got going over there at the University of Phoenix (Online). I ask that the class settle down, get comfortable, and start paying attention.

If you feel as though you already know how to lie, you don’t. If you think you can lie to me without me knowing, you can’t. If you think that this course will make you a more dashing, daring, and wildly unpredictable human being, it will. I suggest that you pay attention because what you learn here today has an 85% chance of affecting how you relate to those around you. Keep in mind that everything I just said, may be a lie. Let’s get started…

According to one online source, lying is a noun, and it is defined as “the deliberate act of deviating from the truth.” That definition makes lying sound like a horrible activity that one should never participate in. Don’t buy into the hype!!! This is exactly what so called “honest, trustworthy, and genuine” people want you to believe. They don’t understand lying and, consequently, are afraid of it. This is exactly why the craft of lying should be embraced. It allows us to wield power over our fellow man.

When it comes to lying, the main concept isn’t extremely hard to grasp. Simply stop telling the truth. Now, I’m not asking you to go out there and become a full fledged liar. Nobody likes those types. I’m asking that you exercise your right to not always be forthcoming with truthful information. As you begin to wrap your mind around the fact that you don’t always have to tell the truth, let’s discuss the different aspects that make the art of lying so exciting and complex.

The Audience: Picking the right audience to lie to will at first seem like a daunting task. Who should I lie to? Do I lie to my friends? Do I lie to my family? Do I lie random people? From my vast array of lying experience, I believe that it is far easier to lie to someone that you’ve just met or to an acquaintance that you haven’t seen in quite some time. This is where the fledgling liar should begin his/her career. The risk/consequences of being caught are minimal. Once the fledgling liar feels comfortable with spinning little webs of deceit, it is time to start exploring the joys of lying to the more important people in his/her life (friends, significant others, parents, bosses, district attorneys, gynecologists, etc…).

The Lie: If you’re asking yourself “What should I lie about?”, you aren’t a very creative person and will probably make a bad liar. However, don’t get discouraged. The answer to this question is that you can lie about anything and everything. In general, try to lie about things that cannot be disproved. When I first started, I simply told stories about my life with a little twist. Let’s face it, an exaggerated truth is a lie. It’s an easy pick up that can be used to impress people and trick them into thinking you’re more interesting than you actually are. In the end, this is basically what lying is all about, spinning the truth to make yourself look better or at least feel better.

The Delivery: When delivering a lie, it is important to work it in to normal conversation. The greatest liars can be participating truthfully in a conversation when all of a sudden a lie comes to them and they are able to splash it in without raising suspicion. Lies like this sound natural and are believable. These are the types of lies build the foundation on which a tower of falsehood can be erected.

The Challenge: A skilled liar can accurately be likened to a skilled chess player, always thinking a few moves, or lies, in advance. If you are going to tell a lie, you’d better be ready to defend it or at least have a back up lie which can settle the disbelief. Try and remember that no one likes a liar, except for other liars.

Practice Makes Perfect: Try to remember that liars are made and not born. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. The more you practice, the better you’ll get. I might suggest that you begin your lying with one on one interactions. Lying to a group can be stressful and somewhat detrimental to a young liar’s career.

And that concludes your introductory course on Hobby Lying. For more information, please feel free to ask questions in my comment section.