I recently heard that 1 in 5 adults has genital herpes. This is a staggering statistic and the blame for this epidemic lies solely with our favorite Mi6 spy, James.
While bedding down with all those smokin’ hot thoroughbreds did you ever see good ol’ James reach for the latex or even the *lambskin. No, no you didn’t. Sure, James was gallivanting and carousing in the carefree 60’s, but Jesus Christ man, the 70’s and 80’s started to get a little sketch. With all the gadgetry and technological wonderment, you think that Q would have at least tossed in a Trojan or two. Maybe he tried. Maybe Q gave James a case of condoms before each mission with the hope that James could kick his bareback addiction. In any case, it’s fair to assume that any condoms that were given to James were not put to good use. So how did James Bond’s penis sores get spread to the rest of us? Let ‘s find out.
From the picture above, it’s clear and easy to see why James Bond gets laid. He’s got a great smile, a charming personality, and disarmingly good looks. Combine this with the fact that he’s always doing something sneaky, doesn’t use condoms, and likes to roll in the hay 2-3 times per major motion picture. At the beginning of the movie he’s always snogging some chick right before he gets a call from London telling him to report for duty. Then there’s the mid-movie quick and dirty with the sexy spy who’s working for the bad guys. After the final action scene, James usually completes the trifecta with a long slow screw in some exotic location with a bottle of Berringer and an “Ooooh, James.” You might be thinking that this guy rocks. Well, you’re right!…. but he also itches.
James has been laying pipe all over the world since the 60’s, and he’s no slouch. I would say that on average, he’s hitting the skins with 10’s. These women (who are 10’s) do not have a hard time in the lonely bed department (this of course assumes that all gorgeous women are nymphomaniacs). That being said, these gorgeous women most likely have their pick of the litter and take advantage of it. So at this point, all of the chicks that James Bond has slept with have now transmitted genital herpes to all of the good looking guys in the world. All of them.
One of the things that gorgeous women like to do is drink martinis. Sometimes, they drink too many and wind up sleeping with someone that might be a tier or two below them in the attractiveness hierarchy. When this happens, all hell breaks loose. Now, we’ve got an epidemic on our hands. Herpes used to be considered an affliction of the ridiculously good looking crowd and stayed contained because generally speaking, only good looking people are supposed to sleep with other good looking people. It’s sort of an unspoken law unless an average or even goofy looking dude is making serious ducketts (ex. Bill Gates, Tiger Woods, etc…) or has a great personality.
Now that the herpes has been unleashed upon the common folk, it spreads like wildfire. The average guy that took home the Cover Girl is now saturated with the kind of self-confidence that allows him to completely slay the hoes that are in his normal wheelhouse. These girls in turn get drunk and have unprotected sex with even uglier members of the opposite sex. And so on and so on… That’s how you end up with a 20% infection rate. That and the fact that there have been 6 James Bonds contributing their efforts to the cause. Those who haven’t yet been infected are either extremely lucky or more likely really really ugly.
The Moderatilist’s advice on this subject is to skip the sex with every 5th person that you take out who you think might be “The One.” Because they will be “The One.” “The One” that gets you to ask your primary care physician whether or not Valtrex is right for you.
Footnote: * lambskin – the only thing its effective at doing is grossing chicks out.