Monthly Archives: December 2007

Dear Secret Santa Darcy,

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Thank you for the gift of Wooden Pineapple Cribbage Board. The wood is nice. It is smooth and it is stained. The holes are of adequate size and are more or less properly aligned. From time to time, I have been known to say that, “Cribbage really is the best 2 player card game.” You must have known this when taking your eBay bidding into account. This shows that you know me, and you love me. I really enjoy this gift. Certainly, I enjoy it more than the star shaped jar filled with peanut M&M’s that my mom gave me.

Besides the fact that this gift is both aesthetically and emotionally pleasing, I also like it for the simple reason that it looks like it could have been picked up at a prison gift shop in Hawaii. I bet Dog the Bounty Hunter has one of these puppies on his coffee table at home. I’m guessing that when he gets done with a long day of shaking down Hawaiian scumbags he sits down on his white leather couch next to his extremely buoyant wife, takes off his Oakley MP3 sunglasses and relaxes with a few games of Pineapple infused cribbage. Just a thought…

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“Yeah, I’m actually doing quite well. I just received my acceptance letter to…

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… the NASA astronaut training program in Cape Canaveral. I’m psyched!!! They only accept .001% of the applicants. What have you been up to? I heard you married Tammy, had a baby, and now have a mortgage.”

The holiday season is here, and I’m excited!!! Over the course of the next week, many of us will be flying or driving (or hopefully NOT walking up the basement stairs) to spend time with family, loved ones, and yes, good old hometown friends that we haven’t seen in a long time. You’ll eat some tasty grub with the family, try to ignore the fact that your mother is totally out of touch with reality, and then you’ll head out to the local bar to regain your sanity. Still with me?

As Maverick said in Top Gun (<—Great Movie) “This is a target rich environment.” You got that right Mav. Instead of boning the physicist who later turns out to be your boss, you become the physicist. You become the professional poker player rounding it out in Reno. You become the top lawn mower salesman in Nebraska. You become whoever the fuck you want. I just got goosebumps. The point is… it’s time to bust out the hobby lie that you’ve been working on all year long. If you get busted, shake it off. Do you really care what these people think of you or if you see them again? No. This is a hobby liar’s paradise, NOTHING TO LOSE AND EVERYTHING TO GAIN.

Instead of watching “A Christmas Story” for the upteenth time this year, I want you to get off your butt, get out the door, and lie your ass off to every vaguely familiar face that you come across. Tip: If your looking for a lie to spread like wildfire, tell it to an old high school teacher. Also, don’t forget that a well placed hobby lie will put that smug fuck who’s actually doing what he wants for a living back in his place.

To make this blog slightly more interactive, I’d like everyone who reads this blog to report back after the holidays about the hobby lie that they told and how it went. Keep in mind, you can lie about hobby lying over the break. Just make it interesting. The best hobby lie (my choice) will receive an award.

Happy Hobby Lying!!!

Masturbation > Shaving > Putting on Deodorant > Buttoning Pants > Using a Can Opener

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The Boolean title of this blog is representative of the relative ease of accomplishing the listed activities during the period of time following shoulder surgery on your dominant side. If you’ve ever had shoulder surgery you’ll be able to relate to the following. If not, give some of these activities a go, and let me know how it turns out…

You might be surprised to see that I found masturbation with my non-dominant hand to have a low level of difficulty. I’m not sure if this is because it is actually the easiest or if it’s because it’s the one task that I practiced the most. Actually, I attribute my effortless transition in this arena to the fact that I got into a disagreement with my dominant hand in the summer of ’05 and we agreed that we shouldn’t be more than just friends.

Shaving was extremely difficult at first. The act of putting a triple bladed razor to tender skin with a shaky left was horrifying at first, but after a few tries, I was only donating small quantities of O-Positive to my bathroom sink. However, trimming my sideburns still makes me extremely anxious.

Putting on deodorant sucks! For a few days after shoulder surgery, you can’t move your arm without causing your nerves to fire little missiles at your soul. To make matters worse, your pit is getting ZERO airflow. Yes, that’s right, a perfect storm is brewing! Let’s just say that once I was finally able to get a little separation between my arm and my body that the odor was staggering. If I had to put my finger on it (or in it), I’d say that the smell most closely associated to the micro-climate inside my armpit was a combination of taco seasoning and vagina. I’m sorry, that was gross. Once she opened up for business, I was able to clear things up with a mild cleanser that left me thinking of a late August sunset. As the range of motion increased, applying Old Spice to my injured armpit wasn’t that bad. I basically walked up to the door frame topless, with my arm lying at my side. I then used my hand as a claw to grip the molding and then slowly backed up to get the separation needed. With my left hand, I swiped the deodorant. The next part was a bit tricky. Using your left hand to put deodorant in your left armpit requires slightly less than a magic trick, but would probably be fun to watch. Try it and you’ll see what I mean.

Buttoning a pair of well-fitted pants with one hand is not easy. And for those of you who find this task unchallenging … Go fuck yourselves!!! This happens once per day when getting dressed, but can pop up more frequently if bathroom breaks are required. Over the past month, I’ve gotten pretty good at holding it. Sometimes, you luck out and the stars that align the frictional forces are all working towards a common goal. Unfortunately, sometimes this common goal is to completely screw with the patience and emotional stability of the recent surgery patient. I found that with a little effort, a little forehead sweat, and the use of my right elbow, I was able to get the job done in about 30 seconds.

Using a can opener was only tried once. I hadn’t gone to the store and my supplies were running low. Instead of heading out for some chicken nugs and a coke, I figured that the can of tuna sitting in the cupboard was low hanging fruit and that I’d be snacking on a fishy delight in no time. WRONG! After pulling the tuna can off the shelf, I set it down, looked at it, and then said “FUCK!” I almost put the can back on the shelf, but something inside me said to go for it. Over the next half of an hour (hyperbole), I wrestled that bastard into submission. The can was dropped to the floor at least 3 times with the lid partially opened. Tuna juice was getting everywhere! Whatever… I opened it, and I ate it. Afterwards, I was still hungry, so I went out and got some chicken nugs and a coke.

Obviously, there are other activities that are difficult to do solely with your non-dominant hand. If I were to extrapolate, putting on socks, cutting your toenails, using chopsticks, getting the keys into and out of the ignition in your car (if right handed), driving and talking on your cell phone at the same time, tying your shoes, and tying a tie would all be on the list.

The moral take away from this stupid blog is that being a disabled, injured, or otherwise afflicted person is tough. Give people in this situation your patience, respect, and lend a helping hand whenever you can. Oh, and don’t forget to ask them what happened. This can be a great icebreaker and a wonderful opportunity to hear some good hobby lying.