Oh, it looks like I’m in 16-E, and I’ll be damned if I’m not using both armrests… Bitch!

After I consulted my boarding pass in the gate area of SJC, I had the feeling that something ill-fated was about to happen. Upon arrival at my designated seat assignment, my worst nightmare was confirmed. Yep, I was sandwiched between a fat guy and his pre-teen. Billy, we’ll call him, had the window while his well fed father rode the aisle, his seat, and a little bit of mine. Slightly annoyed, but still coming down from the high of realizing that I was about to move to California, I decided to make the best of a bad situation….

Being stuck in the middle is no cup of tea. Anyone can attest to this, especially if you are of the taller variety and require the use of legs/knees akimbo to sit with low dosages of comfort. At any rate, the real question is… Who gets the middle armrests? Is it first come, first serve? Fuck that. Does seniority rule? Oh, you forgot your Union card, how sad? Should the larger individual get them? I think not. The point I’m trying to make is that the man or woman in the middle of a 3-seat configuration gets dibs. The window seat has its scenic advantages and the aisle has lavatory privileges as well as quick access to the EXIT row in case of an emergency. On the contrary, the middle seat has zip, zilch, nada. That is unless it is universally understood that the armrests are his. I guess the only other advantage of being in the middle is that you have your choice of who to lean on when taking a nap. However, this advantage is negated as the window or aisle seat occupants may both choose to lean on you simultaneously.

Another thing I’ve noticed recently is that old people and grossly overweight people appear to be ordering an inordinate amount of free beverages from the flight attendants. The old people probably feel cheated by not being given FREE snacks along with their fizzy sodas, coffees, and V8. And the overweight people feel that their caloric intake is being cheated. I feel cheated by that too, but I don’t make up for it by ordering a decaf coffee with sugar, an orange juice, a cup of water, and a diet pepsi, uh… can I just get the can?… Ridiculous! All this drinking just creates problems for Aisle and Middle Management because more often than not Granny with the pea sized bladder is rolling deep by the window and has a hard time holding it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to fly. The thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day I will get the chance to sit next to a smokin’ hottie who isn’t sitting across the aisle from her boyfriend. Hasn’t happened in the 12 years since I started caring about that sort of thing, but any day now, I can just feel it.

So if you find yourself in the middle seat of a 3-seat configuration, feel free to prop those bony joints up and out and take advantage of a bad situation. If you find yourself on either side of the middle seat, have some love and respect for your fellow flight brother. You never know when you’ll be STUCK IN THE MIDDLE. And remember… What goes around comes around… – J.T.

Salvage

After spending 51min on the phone with a potential roommate, the only thing that I was able to salvage was this post. 2min into the conversation or at whatever point he mentioned that he had a 4yr old and that I wouldn’t actually have my own room, I knew this wasn’t the ideal living situation for me and made that abundantly clear.

Being the salesman that he was (New York Life) he kept me on the phone with anecdotes about his ex-wife that doesn’t pay child support and his dad’s best friend’s recent death (by roommate). Technically, I’m still unemployed, so I didn’t really mind listening to the stories. Then, unfortunately, I made the mistake of asking a few details about what he does… that was stupid….. 48min later, the guy wrapped it up by saying that even though I wasn’t interested in his place, he wanted me to give him a call when I got to the area so we could hang out.

I thought this was a pretty nice gesture and was grateful for the reminder that something can usually be salvaged from a bad situation. So, the next time you find yourself up against a wall, in a homeless shelter, swimming with sharks, or going home with a bargoyle, remember to salvage something. In the case of the bargoyle, try and salvage your dignity or at least take something shiny.

Too good to be true, but too bizarre to pass up…

After having little luck searching the ads on Craigslist, I decided to post my own ad.  Upon doing this, emails and telephone calls started flying everywhere.  One email stood out amongst all of the others.  Below is an excerpt…  Please read from the bottom up (as email format dictates).

David

 That will be great. My wife will be up this weekend also, so you can meet her.  My wife’s daughter is great looking and her friends are always coming to the Las Vegas to party, you can meet them if things work out. Her daughter is a part time actress and was in the soap opera, Bold and the Beautiful. We can work on the rent. You’ll look and you tell me. If you’re willing to pay $950 that’s fine. We can negotiate. But I think you’ll be impressed it’s full of artwork I collected over the years on my travel, rugs from Kashmir ( India ) . It’s a great place to bring women to. I have a few women in the area that might stop by every once in while. Where are you coming in from?

 

Martin

---

Martin,

Thanks for getting in touch.  Your place sounds great.  I’ll definitely give you a call when I get to the area to set something up.  I fly in early on Friday afternoon and am leaving early Monday morning so we ought to be able to schedule something that is convenient for both of us.  How much are you asking in rent?

Best,
David.

David,

I have a brand new fully furnished condo in Tuscany Hills KB Homes off of 87 and Capital Expressway. I work off of Tasman and North First in San Jose .

The house is near the VTA stop on Capital Expressway if you need it. My end unit was the Model Home for the Complex, $80,000 of upgrades, two car attached garage ( in fact there space for two cars and two or three motorcycles), all brand new furniture throughout the house, top of line, 50 inch Phillips HDTV, I am a little older than you but past two roommates were 20 and 23. I travel quite a lot, my wife lives in Los Angeles .  I have a second home in Las Vegas that I usually go to when I am in town on weekends. I was an ex-professional football player for the Denver Broncos. Let me know if you might have some interest. I am currently working in Manila . I will be back in San Jose on Friday March 23. My cell is XXX-XXX-XXXX. Immediate occupancy.  Martin

 <END OF EMAIL CHAIN>

At this point, I think you’d agree that this almost sounds too good to be true and a little strange.  I’ll go ahead and point out a few sentences that caught my attention…

My wife’s daughter is great looking and her friends are always coming to the Las Vegas to party.

Her daughter is a part time actress and was in the soap opera, Bold and the Beautiful.

It’s a great place to bring women to.

I have a few women in the area that might stop by every once in while

I am a little older than you but past two roommates were 20 and 23.

I was an ex-professional football player for the Denver Broncos.

So, what do you guys think?  Is this guy a pimp or what?  No, I mean a REAL pimp.  Do you think that by signing the lease, I will need to collect money from his ladies when they stop by after a hard night’s work.  He’s either a pimp or he straight up cheats on his wife.  I also thought it was interesting that he mentioned that his daughter/stepdaughter was great looking.  In an email that followed, this guy also said that if things worked out that I could come to Las Vegas with him on the weekends sometimes and party.  I think I’m gonna call him back and set something up.  And don’t worry, I’m taking a friend with me.

GO BRONCOS!!!

I’m moving and so is my blog…

Recently, I got a new job and will be relocating to San Jose, CA. To commemorate this occasion electronically, I will be moving my blog from Blogger (www.themoderatilist.blogspot.com) to WordPress (you already know this address). If you’re interested in the theories of Moderatilism and its origins, I suggest you take a look at the old site.