Glam, Glam, Glamorous!!!

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S: Fergie really knows how to break it down to the fundamentals doesn’t she? She’s most certainly getting back to her humble roots and the days when “she had a Mustang” with her latest and greatest trip to the spelling bee. I don’t buy it, and I never will… (I download it for free, but that’s beside the point.)

I’ll admit that her songs are catchy, but what else is she bringing to the table? I’ll tell you what she’s bringing… she’s bringing a whole lot of nonsense. Every time I hear one of her songs I find myself hung up on trying to figure out what the hell she just said. For instance, when she put the “boys on rock rock” in Fergilicious, I had no idea what she was talking about. I assumed that she must be so smokin’ hot and addictive that she likened herself to crack and that crack is sold in rocks, so putting the “boys on rock rock” must mean that they are addicted to her lady humps or something and that they are in need of a fix. Maybe? I dunno and frankly, I don’t care because I’m not being put on “rock rock” by a slightly more attractive female version of Carrot Top with blonde hair. Think about it. In her latest installment, Glamorous, she goes on and on about “flossy flossy.” This one took a little more interpretive effort. With the help of my favorite cunning linguist, we deciphered the code and settled on something quite simple. It probably means something along the lines of flaunting your riches. F and L lend themselves to FLAUNT and OSSY lends itself to GLOSSY which makes me think of lip gloss or something shiny like diamonds. Combining the two, you get FLOSSY.

In the end, I like this nonsense. It’s like solving the Jumble in the daily newspaper or piecing together a crime scene. It’s a challenge, and it’s fun. If she keeps this up, Levar Burton better start worrying about his job security over there at Reading Rainbow.